Watching

It sounds crazy but I feel like I am at least two people.

The person I am who I find most interesting is an enigmatic observer. A genderless ageless being who watches. When I feel in connection with that part of myself I feel peaceful and curious, and more able to act from love.

When I am seeing from this part of myself I lose my opinions and I see clearly. I take interest in strangers, and I love to look at their faces. I love to see their emotions and attitudes in their eyes, in their mouths and in their posture. I love to imagine asking them what they need to be happy. I love to imagine them consoled, nourished, undone and laughing. I find humour in the frustration and exhaustion I see on urban public transport because I have felt frustrated and exhausted too and I know that it isn’t compulsory, it’s just a game.

These days I feel more connected to the observer within me because I have removed myself as much as possible from being pulled into a capitalist lifestyle. I do that which rewards me intrinsically and leave that which rewards me extrinsically. Intrinsic rewards are connection, joy, love and knowledge, extrinsic rewards are money, status and objects.

This means I am poor financially and rich in experience. It’s not all golden sun rays and butterflies, being rich in experience means finding the strength to face the heartache and pain and sadness that is part of life. It’s hard to do that, but the reward is that you feel like a real human being instead of an empty fish tank.

Feeling like a human being isn’t hard, in fact it’s so simple that we forget how to do it. Feeling like a human being means feeling the temperature of your breath on your upper lip, feeling the weight of your body where it rests, feeling the ground when you walk on it, hearing the sounds that surround you, noticing the texture of leaves, touching fences.

This personality and this body is a lens for my self to see the world through.